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Catherine Specter
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
34 Blvd. of the Allies
Pittsburgh, Pa. 15222

... or visit her Web site at catscall.com

DEAR CAT: Several years ago a co-worker asked me to coffee. We had a great time and he asked me to dinner. On a whim I Googled him and found out he was married. He admitted it when I confronted him but he said it was a bad marriage that resulted from an unplanned pregnancy (he has four children now), and that he sometimes wished he were with someone else. I told him we could be platonic friends and we became very close. He eventually transferred to a different town but we've kept in touch and I treasure our friendship. Recently, his best friend told me that my friend has never been faithful to his wife; he cheated within a year of his child being born and has never stopped during their 25-year marriage. Cat, I am shocked at this information. He is well thought of, charming, professional and is considered a "family man." I thought he got over his "need to cheat" and that his family life was wonderful. I feel duped and am wondering if I should continue our friendship because his lack of integrity bothers me. What makes a man do this?

-- DEFINITELY DISAPPOINTED WOMAN

DEAR D.D.W.: You went on a date with this man (or was it two dates?), found out he was married, and you never questioned his integrity until now? Take off the blinders -- he was looking to cheat with you, and would have done so happily if you hadn't busted him. He blamed his supposed marriage-of-necessity on an unplanned pregnancy (very classy, by the way), but he had three more children. He is a serial cheater, not a family man. As for why people (not just men) cheat, the most common theory is: Because they can. But there are countless other theories, too, so I invite readers to send in their own version. Results will be posted on Catscall.com. Until then ...

Cat's Call: The only one "duped" in this situation is his wife.

DEAR CAT: I dated a boy in high school and since then we have been on and off (we graduated high school in 2004). When he was interested, I was not, and vice versa. Now, in our last semester of college we finally began to really hit it off. Then he went on spring break and he has been a completely different person since he returned. He has no patience with me and gets an attitude every time I speak to him. This whole thing has been going on for so many years I just can't stand it anymore. Is it time to face the facts that maybe we aren't meant to be? Or should I try to make one last attempt?

-- HOPELESSLY CONFUSED

DEAR H.C.: Making one last attempt is futile. He's trying to send you a message, but instead of talking to you, he's treating you like a pest or a meaningless one-night stand. You've probably kept this going out of habit, but take a moment to stop and think, "If I met him today, would I still like him?" The answer to that question is the answer to your questions. Forget all the history and longevity ...

Cat's Call: Would you date anyone else if they treated you like this?